Resigning from teaching was one of the scariest leaps of faith I have taken. I have been working since I was fifteen years old and I enjoyed being financially independent. I had a mortgage payment, a two year old, and a small homestead that my husband and I were trying to establish. Now was the worst time to suddenly be without a paycheck.
I gave myself six months to heal from injuries and find a new career path that would give me equal or greater joy than teaching had. And the six month deadline was coming up. I had explored, shadowed and interviewed several career paths, but nothing had that spark I was desperately craving.
With the deadline fastly approaching of the possibility of having to return to a job in education, I ditched my carefully made graphs and checklists and started doing some fun bucket list items. Except…I realized that nothing on my bucket list was fun. They were more of goal items that I had planned for my life. Like: graduate college…check, get married…check, have a child…check, adopt a dog…check. I had gone through thirty years of my life squashing down deep desires and afraid to dream past my current limitations.
Three decades with a checklist of mundane life goals…
Now, don’t get me wrong. I feel blessed to have found a partner, have a child after being diagnosed with infertility and have a roof over my head. I do NOT take these for granted at all. But after becoming injured severely and having a chance to really reflect on my life to date, there was something missing.
As a child, I was obsessed with fairytales, science fiction and fantasy novels. The magic that I coveted as a child was still nowhere to be seen in my life. Looking in the mirror as an adult, I only see a muggle. A physically and mentally broken muggle that allowed life to beat me up and put on my own shackles that chained me down from taking opportunities that I desperately wanted.
I started scrolling through Pinterest looking for ideas to add to my Bucket List Board, determined to find unique ideas that I could do while trying to find out where my future was going to take me.
I gave myself permission to start to dream.
Randomly, I found a pin for Past Life Regression Hypnotherapy. I had no idea what hypnotherapy was or what a past life regression session would look like, but my gut was telling me to look into it. I used the mighty power of Google to find the nearest hypnotherapist who did past life regression sessions and ding ding ding, it found me one that was a forty minute drive away.
I emailed the hypnotherapist, got a quote, set a date and time, and she forwarded me her address.
I drove to her house that was down several dirt roads with my reception going in and out, suddenly remembering all the scary stories that my cop and military family members told me about kidnappings, assaults and worse.
I sent my location, when I managed to get reception, to my husband and steeled myself to knock on this woman’s door.
She was a friendly person who talked alot and the introverted person that I am was soon overwhelmed with information about the appointment and I was not processing the instructions she was giving me. I second guessed myself constantly and was so nervous about the hypnotic inductions.
Looking back, with a more confident and healthier level of being, I realized now that I was definitely in overload. To make the appointment more comfortable, I could have spoken up. I could have asked more questions and been more clear headed about the process.
Nevertheless, everything happens for a reason. Being overloaded is what I needed at that moment in my life to catapult me on to the right path. If I was braced for it, I probably would have avoided it, been overly cautious and fallen back to protect my cowardly ways.
I had set no intention on what I wanted to gain from Past Life Regression. So the Universe gave me what I needed most at the time. An insight on why I suffered from Postpartum Depression, how loneliness is an underlying foundation for my emotions, and why the need for control feels so paramount.
The hypnotherapist and my visualization lead me to a hallway. My subconscious mind could not decide what the hallway looked like. It shifted constantly. Different floors, walls and doors. Sometimes the hallway was well lit and other times it was eerily dark. My fear was causing the distortion.
And no door compelled me forward because I didn’t set an intention. On top of it all, I could only see out of one eye and it was squinty. My fear and frustration was increasing with my desperate need for control of the session.
My hypnotherapist soothed me and I was able to just pick a door at random. She reassured me that any door was going to show me something that I needed to know.
I jumped through a random door that was shadowed in darkness. I took a leap of faith through my fear and was rewarded with beautiful scenery.
I was sitting on a grassy hill overlooking a small town and a large manor. I was barefoot, knowing full well that it was considered naughty of me to do so. I had a book next to me with a small boy that was playing with the blades of grass. Here was a moment in that lifetime where I felt free and at peace. Away from my stifling home, with the wind gently blowing and my brother by my side.
We fast forward in that life. I was suddenly in a room with my father, arguing about an arranged marriage he had set up for me. It was in a far off place with a man I did not know. Away from all the things I loved and that made me feel safe. My mother was useless to defend me because she did not care for me. She continued to walk by our argument, her eyes cold and distant. She felt no connection to me or a need to understand why I was fighting with the ways of the world of men.
Fast forward again. Once I was a young woman, glowing with life that shone in my skin and hair. Now I lay on a deathbed, hair an oily dark mess and shallow, dusty skin stretched against my face. A maid cleaned around me, ignoring me under orders of my husband. I guess he thought that my “tantrum” would eventually end if everyone continued to ignore me.
However, little did he understand how stubborn and lonely I was. The life in me had been suffocated and the only tiny light that remained was desperate for some type of control. The only control I had left was the choice to eat. So I chose not to eat. It was my own form of protest. I would rather starve to death than be forced to continue living like this.
Eventually my body gave out and I died. I died alone because not even the maid noticed my passing.
The hypnotherapist guided me to a place of healing where I saw my soul in a horizontal egg shaped pod. I knew that my soul was there for a long time healing from that life’s traumas.
She brought me out and I was speechless.
We debriefed for a bit afterwards and the days that followed allowed the lessons of the past life regression to start clicking in place.
I saw my stubbornness and my need for control paralleled in this life. In this life I hate being told what to do, particularly from a romantic partner.
It also resonated with me on why I continue to have postpartum depression. In that life, I choose to end my life due to my depression. So in this life, I have depression again. The difference is in this life I actually have loved ones around me. The experience gave me a sense of peace about the postpartum depression. I do have the strength and resources to work with my depression in this day and age and I will continue to live past those dark moments in time.